My best friends … an eye opening revelation

Something amazing happened during my Lectio Divina yesterday.

It brought me to tears and has completely changed the way I will live my life moving forward.

Let me rewind to give you some background and context. I’ve always had a hard time making friends. Don’t get me wrong, I HAVE friends (most from childhood and young adulthood), but I’m kind of an introvert (despite not seeming that way), and I prefer hanging out with people one on one or in very small groups. People also typically forget about me (don’t feel sorry for me; I spent enough time doing that for myself in the past), so I hardly ever get invited to gatherings or to be part of friend groups and fun outings. This used to bother me so much and hurt so deeply. I craved friendship, community, deep connections. I tried to create them by leading group trips and hosting group hikes, etc. It never really worked. Others would connect on my trips, but I’d still be forgotten afterwards, left watching people live their fun lives together on social media, from my phone screen.

I wondered why nobody thought I was good enough to befriend. I wondered why it was so easy for people to stab me in the back, I wondered if I should no longer exist. The thought of my family and pets always kept me here though.

Then yesterday morning, as I was meditating on scriptures in Luke 1 (Mary’s song of praise), I went over it once, and then began to read it a second time, when verse 47 stopped me in my tracks: “and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.” So many instances of when I was at ABSOLUTE ROCK BOTTOM began flooding my mind. When my mom passed away, I was at my best friend’s house, I hadn’t cried yet; I was too busy planning her funeral, writing the eulogy, comforting everyone who kept showing up at our house, broken about her passing, that I didn’t even have time to process what had happened yet. I didn’t have time to feel. Then after everything — all the services and funeral, etc. — I was sitting at my friend’s house and the reality of the situation finally hit me, and I COMPLETELY broke down. I was crying to the point of shaking. I removed myself to another room to be alone and curled up on the floor in the fetal position and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t see, everything went dark, I honestly felt like I might be dying of a broken heart. Then, I was overcome by a feeling of love that felt like it was physically surrounding me, holding me like a mother holds her child when it cries. I knew it was the presence of God, and in that moment of grief, I felt so supported, so loved, and NOT alone. He quieted me with His love.

Another time when I was at my lowest mentally. When I say this, I am not exaggerating. I had just gotten off of an 8-month roller coaster ride of cancer with my dog Lucy, who might as well have been my firstborn; I loved her like she was. The 8 months from her diagnosis to her passing were eating me alive. Slowly but surely, medical anxiety overtook my being and consumed me. Anyway, she passed away and I literally lost my mind. I was in SUCH a dark place. I wondered who was next to die? Me? My daughter? My father? Husband? It was ALL I could obsess about. I can’t even say “think about,” because it was beyond thinking. It was all-consuming. I would go DAYS without sleeping, googling symptoms and possible “exposures,” and that’s just one of MANY “symptoms” of my mental distress. Therapy didn’t work, medications didn’t work, self-help books didn’t work, breathing techniques didn’t work… NOTHING was working. Then it happened: I hit my breaking point and I went into psychosis. My family couldn’t deal with me anymore. Not because they didn’t love me, but because they LITERALLY didn’t know how. They discussed checking me into a facility, and then before I actually went, I was on a walk with my dad; yet again obsessing about ANOTHER (nonexistent) medical issue, when he just stops walking and says, “Do you believe in God?” I said, “Yes! Of course I do!” I was honestly shocked and mildly offended that he asked me that. Then he said, “If you REALLY believed in God and His promises, you would NOT be worried like this.” I’m paraphrasing because some of it is private and also, I don’t remember his exact words (remember, I wasn’t in my right mind). The heart of his message hit me like a ton of bricks though. He recited Psalm 121 to me.

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.”

Psalm 121:1-8 ESV

It brought me the comfort I had been searching for for almost a year!!!

Then he told me to read those verses every day upon waking and every night before going to bed. To memorize them. To never let their promises leave my mind. When I tell you that beginning THAT DAY, I miraculously was healed from psychosis, I am NOT exaggerating. Nothing humans could do could help me but GOD; He healed me with the power of His Holy Word in an instant. Do I still worry from time to time? Of course, but NOT like I did when it was crippling and I was about to be institutionalized. Nowhere near it.

Then I had brain surgery last year. I was literally incapacitated for many months. Trying to put my trust in God but honestly a little mad at Him. Nothing was going “my way.” Nothing. I felt so alone; people I thought were friends didn’t even come to visit or help me ONCE (except two did come twice over the course of many months, I am very thankful for them). My sister and my dad cared. They never left my side. My daughter and my husband were also here faithfully. Then God put it on my cousin’s heart to drive to my house all the way from Arizona to help me too. She is a very devout Christian. I watched her pour over her Bible multiple times a day. I had conversations with her about the Lord (this woman stopped her ENTIRE LIFE for a MONTH to listen to God and care for a cousin who she hadn’t spoken to in over a year. This was after my dad and sister had to leave to go back to work and their daily lives), and over the month she was with me, God lit that fire back in me. I went from doing a short morning devotional and Bible reading daily, to REALLY seeking God again and He showed up! He ALWAYS does.

Anyway, how does this all tie together? Well, I’ve been spending YEARS wishing I had friends, working hard and trying to create community spaces, when I’ve LITERALLY had the BEST friend I could ever ask for, THIS WHOLE TIME! The one who held me when I broke after the loss of my mother, the one who helped me when modern medicine failed me again and AGAIN, the one who sent loved ones to be the living example — the hands and feet of Jesus — when I felt forgotten and abandoned by the people I deeply wished were my friends; to show me His faithfulness and care. He has done FAR more than this in my life, but these are the experiences that I felt led to share. Some of the others include other people, and out of respect for their privacy, I will not share them without their consent. Some others, I just didn’t feel compelled to talk about in this post.

Today, He reminded me that I don’t need to make friends like I thought I did because I have my family, and they are enough! They are SUCH a HUGE gift and there’s no reason I can’t pour all my free time into them. More than that though, I have HIM!!!! He has NEVER left me or forsaken me. He NEVER forgets about me; I’m ALWAYS invited to hang out with Him. He is ALL that I need, and that brought me to tears of gratitude and to a place that finally feels complete. To be clear, I’ve always prioritized my immediate family and value them very deeply but I ALSO felt like I needed a group of friends to be truly happy for some reason. But maybe, God was not letting me have friends and be busy with them because HE wanted to be my friend, HE wanted to spend time with me… with me. God wanted to spend time with me. Wow. I’m repentant that I didn’t see that for so many years.

I am so incredibly thankful for God, my family, and the tiny handful of faithful friends that the Lord has blessed me with over the years. They are all enough; I don’t have to keep searching and striving anymore.

If you’re still here, thanks for listening. I don’t have any clue why I decided to literally pour out so many of my most private thoughts with you, but I’m hoping that God can do something with it. If it speaks to or encourages even ONE person, then that’s why.

Grace and peace.

The Lord is my rock and my salvation.